Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
