If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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