he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
