I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
