Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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