I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
