I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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