I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
