barbara walters just said penis...
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
