On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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