i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
My penis needs a shock collar
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
