True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Randomize
