I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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