I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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