I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
