I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
