You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
