u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
