I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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