I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
