His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
