I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
How external is "for external use only"?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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