cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
