matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
