That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Randomize
