Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
