the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
