I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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