Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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