I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
