Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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