So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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