ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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