i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
