I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
You can't motorboat a personality
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
tell me about the eggs
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
