I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
