theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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