the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
