I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
