She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
