This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
