No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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