Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
