All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
