seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize