the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When are your genitals available?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
