i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
