There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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