I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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