I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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