I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
