Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
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