I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
