ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
